Sealed orders?
A special directive from the president himself.
"Not to be opened until arrival in San Francisco."
Well, we're almost there.
All right.
"Greetings.
"Your instructions are as follows.
On the night of May 9,
"at approximately 10 p.m.,
"there will be delivered to you in your private car
"by San Francisco detectives
a paroled convict named Feodor Rimsky."
It's a bit fine.
It's exactly five minutes to ten now.
Yeah.
Uh, "Two, you will escort said prisoner
"aboard the S.S. Thomas Jefferson
"sailing San Francisco May 10
for the port of Vladivostok."
That's in Siberia.
Yeah.
"That is in Siberia, gentlemen."
"Three, you will deliver the prisoner
"to the governor general of Amur province, Siberia,
"and receive in exchange the American vice consul,
"Mr. Millard Boyer,
"who is being held prisoner pending the safe delivery
of Feodor Rimsky."
Prisoner exchange, is that- Is that all?
Uh, no. "Four, the very best of luck, gentlemen."
I wonder why he thinks we need it.
Ah, it's almost 10:30.
They should have been here half an hour ago.
Oh, relax, Artie.
Don't ask me why.
I've just got the feeling something's gone sour.
Gentlemen.
Now don't tell me which one is Rimsky.
Let me guess.
Uh, good evening, officers. You're prompt.
Sign here.
Who are these men? What are they going to do with me?
What is all this?
Receipt. One body in good condition. Passport-
I protest!
Deportation order and personal possessions.
Gentlemen, you just bought yourselves a Russian jailbird.
I refuse to be sold like a Russian peasant.
I am Feodor Rimsky,
fourth cousin to His Highness
Count Nicolai Sazanov,
governor general of Amur province,
who is second cousin to his imperial highness
Alexander II, czar of all the Russias.
With pull like that, he could get the firing squad.
Oh, thank you, gentlemen. And give your warden my best.
Why not? He sent you his worst.
Rimsky, relax.
I refuse to face a firing squad.
That was a joke.
You're going to Siberia in the morning.
You mean I'm... I'm not going to be shot?
Certainly not.
Shoot.
You all right?
Yeah.
Where'd that shot come from?
Hard to tell.
Rimsky.
Now, you fools, move!
Bring Rimsky.
I wonder where he's going.
Wherever it is, he's making a beeline for it.
Rimsky, what's the matter with you?
Don't you wanna go home?
Of course, but there is something first I must do.
Well, what is it?
I can't tell you, Mr. West,
but I give you my word of honor
as a distant relative of the royal family,
I will meet you at the boat.
Not a chance.
As long as we can swap you for Millard Boyer,
you're just a prisoner.
Rimsky!
Aah!
Jim, I've been on the receiving end
of a lot of setbacks in my time,
but this has got to rank way up there
with the best of them.
Colonel, do you have any idea
who those men were that were after Rimsky?
Well, he had a character like an outlaw polecat.
Could have been any of the hundreds of victims.
Exactly why was he in jail?
Do you recall how the book talks
about the little foxes and the vines,
how they spoil them?
Well, that's Rimsky,
exceptin' he's more of a jackal than a fox,
and the vines are the thousands of Russian immigrants
who come pouring into this country,
lifting up their eyes to a kind of freedom they never knew,
blessing the day they got out from under
that yolk of tyranny,
only to find out they just swapped
one kind of tyranny for another.
I see, an immigrant extortion ring.
Yep, worst kind.
They threaten killing the relatives
that are still living in Russia so as to get them to pay,
and the poor fellas just pay and pay and pay.
Well,
Rimsky just died on the operating table.
There goes our bargaining power.
Yep, just how do we trade a dead man for Millard Boyer?
Colonel, I'd like to go to Siberia.
Empty-handed?
You wouldn't have a prayer.
Colonel, if I may, I'd like to-
Gordon, just about 15 minutes from now,
Sazanov's man's gonna be here demanding
to know what happened to Rimsky.
Now, what am I gonna tell him?
Tell him he's here.
You know, Artie, it, uh- It just might work.
What? What might work?
Look, Rimsky had a very distinctive kind of a nose.
If I can manage to duplicate that,
I am Feodor Rimsky,
fourth cousin to His Highness Count Sazanov,
the imperial governor of the province of Amur.
At your service, sir.
Jim, it won't work.
Why not, colonel? Artie speaks fluent Russian.
Kuprin just might buy it.
Maybe he will,
but he's not Rimsky's fourth cousin.
It wouldn't fool that Count Sazanov for five minutes.
All we need is five minutes.
We can make the exchange at night.
Once Boyer's safely away,
Artie can get rid of the disguise
and take care of himself.
And because I acquired a small wound on my chin,
the idiots at the hospital saw fit to remove my beard.
For which outrage your government
is going to pay, believe me. I tell you that.
Rimsky.
Idiot.
Okay, it's settled.
I think there's no more to discuss, colonel.
But the imperial Russian ship Tushina sails tomorrow.
Bon voyage, Kuprin. We're sailing in one week
on the S.S. Alexander Hamilton.
And arriving one week late in Vladivostok.
Count Sazanov will be displeased.
He'll get over it.
Very well.
If that is what it must be, so it must be.
Come, let us be sociable
and have a drink of vodka, yes?
Ah!
How clumsy of me. I've spilled my vodka.
It certainly was,
but the bartender will bring more. Eh.
Don't bother on my account.
Vodka doesn't really agree with me.
I think I'll concentrate on the caviar.
Leave some for me, eh, please.
We'll see you in a week, captain.
Thank you for lunch.
Let's go, Rimsky.
When do we reach port?
Welcome to Vladivostok, Mr. West.
I hope you had a pleasant crossing.
You mean double crossing.
I had to insist you sail on the Tushina.
Count Sazanov would never have understood the delay.
Where's Rimsky?
He's being made presentable for his audience.
Count Sazanov awaits you both at his country estate.
I'll, uh...
I'll tell all my friends about this place.
Get in the coach.
James.
Oh, fancy meeting you here.
How'd you get here?
I was shanghaied.
Shanghaied like a greenhorn.
Oh, have a pleasant crossing?
Smooth, smooth. And you?
Well, I wasn't seasick once.
'Course I was sick as a dog
from having been drugged.
They've gone to a lot of trouble.
Yeah, I guess my cousin must be very anxious to see me.
Listen, just because we're on Sazanov's home ground,
does that mean we have to play according to his rules?
There's no rule that says so.
What's it look like from out there, Artie?
There's one Cossack on either side.
Must be one up ahead riding lead.
We're outflanked,
but we can retreat.
I, um, hate to make changes in a custom-built carriage.
Oh, nonsense.
Should be standard equipment.
Care to stop?
Thank you.
Shall we drop out?
After you.
Ha.
Ha. Ha.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ha. Ha.
Ha.
Ha. Ha.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ha. Ha.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ha. Ha.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Nicky.
Ha! Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Nicky!
That was very good, Chekov,
but the object of the game is to kill me.
And of course, you realize what happens
to the person who does not succeed in that endeavor,
do you not?
Gracious highness,
I promise you I will never steal a grain again.
Please, highness.
I did it because I was hungry.
Nicky, Feodor is back.
The carriage is just coming around the turn.
Nevertheless, I was not unfair with you, Chekov.
I gave you the opportunity to kill me
in return for which I now have the honors.
Now, dear sister, let us welcome Feodor.
Kuprin.
Rimsky, come out. You are home.
Rimsky.
Guards, the prisoners have escaped!
Search the countryside!
Find them! Bring them back!
Listen, Millard Boyer's probably still in the house.
I better go in there and get him.
But you keep out of sight.
If he's not there, I may have to exchange you after all.
Uh, there's something you better take care of.
What's that? Him.
Ooh.
Peasants!
Incompetent!
Surrounded by stupid Cossacks!
If they don't find the prisoners,
I'll have them all sent to Alaska!
Alaska's out, count.
We bought that from you five years ago.
Permit me to introduce myself.
My name is James West, special emissary
from the president of the United States.
So, you give yourself up?
Not too soon.
My Cossacks would hunt you down like rabbits.
Where's that idiot Rimsky?
He'll be returned to you tomorrow night
in accordance with our original agreement.
I think we should discuss the conditions
of the exchange of prisoners.
Conditions? You give me conditions?
I'll turn him over to you tomorrow night at 11:00
in the middle of the bridge, if that's all right with you.
I have counterproposal.
I shall string you up by the thumbs
while my Cossacks bring Rimsky to me.
You'll never find him.
Turn around!
Hello.
I'm Millard Boyer, American vice-consul.
I'm James West.
I was sent by President Grant to get you out of Siberia.
I see.
And who is the president sending to rescue you?
You are all idiots and incompetents!
Rimsky is hiding under your very noses!
I want you to go out into the fields,
look in the house, look in the stable,
look under your own beds, if you must!
Dolts, if you do not bring Rimsky to me by lunch,
I have an ear from each one of you!
If not by dinner, I cut off your noses!
Count Sazanov's escapades in St. Petersburg are legend.
The drinking bouts, gambling for high stakes, the women.
I'm sure you get the picture.
Sort of a playboy of the Eastern world.
Nicky was the most popular man in the capital
and a favorite at the winter palace
till his gambling debts reached 1 million rubles.
Then the czar had to take action.
Action, as in Siberia?
Yes, but as governor general.
It's all through graft, protection, taxation.
Nicky was able to get enough money to pay his debts,
but he got impatient to get back
to the gay life in St. Petersburg.
So he sent his cousin to San Francisco
to shake down the wealthy immigrants.
That's right, Mr. West.
And when Rimsky went to prison in California,
Nicky retaliated by arresting me
on a trumped-up charge.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get out alive.
You, come.
Mr. West, look upon me as a friend. Confide in me.
Tell me where you have hidden Rimsky.
I'll do better than that.
Tomorrow night, I'll give him to you at the bridge.
Mr. West,
I cannot abide people without heads.
So that we can still be friends, tell me where Rimsky is.
I don't remember.
Does that jog your memory?
Very well. Finish him off.
Your Highness,
I have returned.
Who the devil are you?
It's me, your cousin, Feodor Rimsky,
but minus my beard.
It was shaved off by those savages in America.
Rimsky! Let me look at you! Ha, ha.
Yes, you look even sillier without the beard,
if that's possible,
but welcome back! Ha, ha!
Bublishky!
Guess who that is talking, Rimsky.
Well, the voice is terribly familiar,
but I can't place it for the moment.
You hear that? His own wife he can't remember! Ha, ha!
Bublishky.
Enough, Ana, for the time being.
That's enough.
Where are my $5 million?
Y-y-your 5 million what?
I took great pains to free you from prison, cousin.
I brought you all the way home to Russia.
You are thousands of miles from San Francisco.
I think you will tell me where the money is.
B-b-but I was his prisoner.
He has all my possessions.
So, Mr. West, where is my money?
I was shanghaied. Ask Kuprin.
I string everybody up until you tell me.
I'm being very frank with you, Mr. West.
Until my debts are paid,
I am barred from St. Petersburg.
That is why I sent Cousin Feodor to America,
to raise a million rubles.
Uh, didn't cousin Feodor oversubscribe?
I think you mentioned something like $5 million.
One million, five million, the fact is,
I haven't seen a penny of it.
Let's not bicker over the sordid details, Mr. West.
You tell me where Rimsky has hidden it,
and we'll be friends, eh?
Can we be friends for $17?
Because that's all your cousin had on him,
unless he's trying to pull a fast one.
Never. Feodor is a cousin.
Cain was a brother.
Feodor is a coward.
Well, let's get him down here and put it to him.
Tonight? Take him away from his wife?
Mm. Yes, that would be inhuman, wouldn't it?
Of course. They've been apart for more than a year.
We Russians are sentimental.
Nicky says I can't untie you
unless you tell where the money is.
Let him have the money, Feodor.
We have...each other.
Oh, but Anastasia, dar- Darling...
Shh. We have the whole night to celebrate your return.
And look, Feodor,
champagne.
Oh, that was a very good year.
I remember it well.
That's very thoughtful. You remembered.
Of course, darling.
You, me, the balalaikas playing.
I don't remember any balalaikas.
Where there is you,
there is music.
Oh.
All right, Feodor.
Oh.
So don't tell Nicky about the money.
I don't care.
Oh, thank you, Anastarinka.
Just- Just tell your little snowflake where the money is.
But Anastasinka, darling,
my purest glittering quartz crystal,
light of my life, I can't.
Who you are, I don't know, and I don't care.
But you know where the money is,
and you will tell me or-
Aah!
They are Russian, and they are very much in love.
They're twice blessed.
Aah!
Nicky!
What's wrong?
Him.
Feodor?
He's a stranger.
Impossible. He's only been away a year.
I mean a complete stranger.
He's not even Feodor.
Mr. West.
Mr. Boyer, I'd like you to meet my, uh,
partner, Artemus Gordon.
How do you do?
Young man, have you come to rescue me too?
Yeah, that, uh, was the idea, yes.
If President Grant sends enough men,
we may yet outnumber the Cossacks.
How does the situation appear now?
Bleak. Nicky doesn't know it, but Rimsky's dead.
Artie came along in his place.
My guards tell me there's a controversy
over some money. Five million dollars?
That's right.
It's still in America.
It is?
Yeah, remember the last night we were in San Francisco?
Yeah, when Rimsky tried to escape.
Mm-hm. We didn't know why or where he was headed.
I suspect the money is in the back room
of the Russian-American warehouse.
Have you told this to Count Sazanov?
No. I didn't know how he'd take it.
Well, there's only one way he can take it. He's lost.
I'm no longer of any value to him.
He'll release me now. All of us.
Are you sure about that?
Well, what's his alternative?
He could just kill you.
He could just kill all of us.
Nonsense. If nothing else, Nicky is a practical man.
Once he realizes the money is out of reach...
I'm gonna tell him.
Guard! Guard!
You think it'll work?
It's worth a try.
Open up the door.
I demand an audience with Count Sazanov at once.
Think you can open that again?
Ah, it's a piggy bank.
Good. We'll let him get downstairs,
and then we'll follow him.
If Nicky has a sense of humor, we'll buy him a drink.
If not, we'll grab Boyer and make for the border.
Any border.
Tea?
Mm, I think something a bit stronger, Nicky.
I deserve it.
For what?
Oh, for finding out
what happened to the, uh, $5 million.
They told you?
Ha, ha. Of course.
Those nice young men confide all their little secrets
in Uncle Millard.
And the money can be recovered?
Easily.
It's hidden in the back room
of the Russian-American import company warehouse
in San Francisco.
Magnificent!
My friend, this calls for a drink.
I'll go to San Francisco, recover the money,
and send you your half.
Old friend, you have a truly Russian soul.
Riddle inside a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
Between us, we could make history.
Mm-hm. Yes, we do work well together.
Come to St. Petersburg with me.
I really should let them have that satisfaction.
Maybe later.
I'll have my cousin the czar request
you be appointed ambassador to Russia.
Stay here.
Your Highness,
we caught these men listening at the door.
How much did you hear?
Um, not a thing. Nothing.
I think they know everything.
Now you have to come to St. Petersburg with me.
No.
You can't go to Washington now.
Either I can't,
or they can't.
And I don't intend to be put out.
Nicky, I think an execution is in order.
It's only an hour till dawn.
Gentlemen, now that I have my own resources,
I can reasonably hope for an ambassadorship someday soon,
provided the president never learns about my little, uh,
peccadillo.
I don't suppose I can rely on your silence.
I don't suppose so, no.
Then I really have no alternative.
You do understand that, don't you?
Oh, we understand, all right.
We're still gonna hold a grudge.
My compliments, gentlemen. Die well.
Kuprin and Anastasia will see that you are buried
with appropriate honors.
So much for the United States of America.
Now to proceed to San Francisco
and explore a certain warehouse.
Boyer, that's a very good idea,
but you don't really believe
that I would actually share $5 million
with somebody else, do you?
I eat peasants for breakfast, Boyer.
Why should you be any different?
No!
We shall start with you first, I think, Mr. West.
Goodbye.
Uh, before you bid me goodbye, may I, uh-
May I ask a question?
If it is short.
Uh, yes. Yes it is.
There's a game that you Russians play
with a pistol and a bullet.
Could you tell me what that is?
Yes, I'll be very happy to.
Better I will demonstrate.
First you remove all the bullets from the chamber,
but one.
So.
Then you spin the chamber,
and then you play the game.
Are we taking turns?
Uh, before it's my turn again,
I wonder whether I could make a, uh-
A very small request of you.
If it is within reason.
Oh, yes, uh...
See, uh,
look, I don't know whether, uh,
Anastasia will remember this,
but last night,
uh, when we were alone in her room,
uh, she and I- Before I was unmasked, you understand,
when she still thought I was her husband...
She's very beautiful.
It must have been a beautiful moment.
Oh.
Uh, I've always lived for love,
so it seems only fitting that I-
If this has to be-
That I die with her kiss on my lips.
How romantic, Mr. Gordon.
I'll ask her. Thank you.
Keep stalling, Artie, I'm just about finished.
Anastasia.
Anastasinka, you don't mind?
No, little snowflake.
If I can make the balalaikas play for you
one last time,
it is little enough.
Cut him loose.
Now!
Come on, Annie, we're going to the barn.
You're gonna come with us.
Get up here.
...Vladivostok.
You'll have to talk plainer than that, sonny.
I can't understand a word you're saying.
What is that, Paiute?
No, uh, Russian.
Say, wh-? What's a desert rat like you
doing out here in Siberia, old-timer?
Where?
Here. Siberia.
Well, maybe that's where you are, but me,
I like it right here where I am.
And where would that be, old-timer?
Well, near as I can figure,
just about halfway between the Russian river settlement
and San Francisco.
San Francisco,
U.S.A.?
Well, is there another?
Well, I told you it would be difficult
getting to Vladivostok from here.
Your people certainly went to a great deal of trouble,
didn't they?
Drugging us, carrying us aboard ship,
going through all that complicated rigamarole
to make it seem like we'd taken a long, long trip.
And to get the $5 million.
And why not?
It is convertible into a lovely lot of rubles.
Artie, I think I know where that money is.
You take the young lady to the courthouse
in the federal building in San Francisco.
I have to move fast.
Why don't you take me in yourself, Mr. West?
Or perhaps I'm too much for you.
Like I said, Artie,
take the lady back to San Francisco.
Come on, Snowflake. Let's get out of here.
It's getting too darned crowded for me.
Welcome.
You are veritably the last person
I expected to meet tonight.
Then Kuprin isn't the executioner you thought.
You win that round.
Now what do you propose?
I propose
to place you under arrest.
The charges?
Well, the murder of Millard Boyer.
Oh, that.
Plus blackmail,
extortion.
But did you and Artie really get fooled into thinking
you were being shipped all the way out to little old Siberia?
Yes, at the time, that's what me thought. Mm-hm.
But, I mean, it's just purely impossible
fooling you that way,
making you think you were on a month-long sea voyage.
Oh, believe me, dear lovely ladies,
they did it very, very shrewdly
with a complete collection of sounds, sights,
movements, all designed to make us feel
we were right on the high seas.
And they only had to do their act
the few times we came out of a drugged sleep.
But the funniest thing
was having Jim in a barber chair
when he woke up, as though they'd just shaved off
a month-long growth of beard.
And by a barber who could only have existed
in a place like Sib-
Uh, girls, someone once said
that a picture is worth a thousand words.
I think that was little old Confucius.
So it was.
Uh-huh. Well, anyway, Artie and I
are about to show you a demonstration,
to show both of you how you can be fooled.
Now, girls, look at the sphere.
We are about to take you
to the greatest social event of our time.
Now concentrate.
Concentrate on the ball.
Con...cen...trate.
Concentrate.